(A story by alok nandan, dedicated to a story narrator)
Manthan had been drinking for lost four hours. He was trying to make his mind free from the memory of Prerana. But it was an unsuccessful attempt. Again and again she appeared before his eyes with her pleasant smile. From the bottom of his heart he loved her but somewhere in his mind there was a doubt. One of his friends had told him that she was in love with a young actor and was going to marry with him soon. Although his heart not ready to accept it but his mind was thinking over it again and again. There was a conflict between his heart and mind, the brutal conflict, and he was restless.
'She is a bitch, she is cheating me. I love her…from the bottom of my heart…and I know she, too, loves me….In spite of it I am not sure about her character…Yes ! she is cheating me…Oh my mind is against her…What should I do? I don't want to loose her…It is my sixth love….Earlier I have engaged with five girls…And I was in love with all those girls in the different phases of my life…It is my six love and the true love., ' he mumbled.
'Why don't you check her ?,' said Jatindra, picking up his glass.
'What do you mean? ,' he asked.
'You have two alternatives, either you believe in her blindly or you must evaluate her? ', he said, gulping the wine.
'Whatever you want to say, say clearly. One thing is very clear that I love her too much.'
'Why don't you go through her? If she loves you, she will not deny. And to my mind it is the climax of any love. When a woman surrender before a man, it means she loves him very much. So just use this trick and confirm her faith and love,' suggested Jatindra.
'I have told you that I love her, I don't want to get her body, but soul. Do you understand the difference between fucking and love? You can' t, because you are a dog…yes! you are a dog…you understand only the fucking language. Love is something divine…it is feeling…a sweet feeling…related with heart not with body's desire. You know very well I have a lot of money in my pocket…and I can take a prostitute, as I would…But whenever I think about her I never feel like that…Have you seen in her innocent eyes, full of life. They say stories, stories of different world. She is very near to my soul,' he said, looking to Jatindra's eyes.
'I have met a lot of women. And I can say all women like it. And to my mind without it there is no love. You are wise enough, so how can you deny this fact? If you want to feel a woman, you feel it through her tender body. You are talking about soul….but I think it is the body that leads you to soul. In this world there is no soul. Lord Krishna says that the soul is immortal, it neither born not dies. It sounds good but according to scientific point of view soul is nothing but just a hypothesis. You see body, you enjoy body, you enjoy the female's smell and then feel the existence of soul.'
'Logic makes you rude. It kills emotions. I hate logics. May be soul is a hypothesis, I love this hypothesis,' said Manthan. The words were coming from his heart not from his mind. He was trying to convince Jatindra as well as himself.
'What Lord Budha would say about soul, do you know? ,' asked Jatindra. 'A Brahmin was talking about the existence of soul. He went to a bull-card. And then asked the Brahmin touching the bull, ''what is it? ''.'' A bull'' he answered. Later touching the wheel he asked ''What is it''. ''Wheel'' he again answered. One by one he touched all the parts of the bull-card and the Brahmin pronounced the words related with particular objects. During the whole process the word bull-card is not pronounced. Then Lord Budha asked the Brahmin 'Tell me where is your bull-card? The Brahmin had no answer. Then Lord Budha said, '' like the bull-card there is no soul. It is body through which we feel the existence of soul. So my dear good friend, If you want her love, you must feel it through her body. If she denies, then it is certain she does not love you. If she is agree with you, then it is clear she loves you., ' said Jatindra emphatically as if he had revealed a great secret before him.
'But how will I do it? She is a virgin, as far as I know. I don't want to take a risk.'
'In protective way. Take it. This will solve your problem, 'Jatindra handed him a packet.There was malicious smile over his lips. Manthan eyes stopped over the packet. It was a packet of condoms.
He said painfully, ''condom!''
''Yes! condom, no risk and full enjoyment, '' he did not feel the pain in his voice, and of course he was unable to feel it.
'Condom!,' he said again, in his voice the degree of pain had increased.
'Prerna ! I am very honest to you. And want to tell you very frankly that I love you,' Manthan said to Prerna, who was sitting in his bed and moving her beautiful fingers gently in his hair. His head was in her lap.
'I do love you, Manthan!,' she said and kiss his lips slowly.' You are the first man who makes me feel that I am woman. To me you are everything. Someone told me you are worried about something. May I know what is it?'
'Some one told me that you are in love with some other person, and at the same time you are ditching me. I am telling it to you because I am very honest to you, ' he said, kissing her hands.
' Do you believe in me?'
'I try to do. But my mind revolts against me.'
' What can I do to show my devotion to you?…Just tell me Manthan! For it you I can do anything…'
'Anything means anything !'
'I want to make love with you.'
A shyness spread over her face, and her face became red.
'What do you mean by you want to make love with me?'
'I want you completely, your body as well as your soul.'
'I have given my soul to you, and my body is always ready to show my devotion. Do you know I am a virgin. I have never experienced a man on the bed. I will be very glad to loose my virginity with you. I love you, and I don't believe in any boundary.'
Manthan took her lips close. The four lips mingled together for long. She forgot herself completely. She was exploring herself gradually, and Manthan was going deep and deep, although somewhere in his mind he was not happy to do it. In his unconscious something was wrong. He would love her, wanted her whole devotion but this way was not good. He had spent countless nights with many women, playing all types of game but would never feel such a guilty feeling. Prerana was doing all to show her devotion, but certainly it was not good.
With the course of time when Prerana felt urgency, he stood up and took out the packet of condoms. She opened her eyes, the shameless, devoted and innocent eyes, and saw he was fixing a condom. All of sudden she felt a wave of coldness. She was frigid. All the waves she was realizing earlier in her body had gone off. She told nothing but was laying as a dead body. Manthan went ahead, taking her body but raping his own soul.
After sometimes when he became calm, she stood up and put on her clothes. Manthan said her, kissing her hands, ''Now, I can say, you love me too much. You are devoted to me. I love you! I love you!! I l love you!!'
Prerna looked her, there was a sadness in her eyes. she told in a deep voice, ''Manthan, I love you, too, but since now I will not meet you. I devoted myself completely but…'
'what but? '
'But you don't. You don’t believe in me. I told you that I was a virgin, but you used a condom. Why? Because you don't believe in me. I was careless about your seeds in my field. But you were not…You wanted to get my soul, but even you did not get my body well. How can you get my soul? You have insulted me and my body. Manthan! You will never understand a woman. Never ! Never !! Not at all.'
'What you are talking? I love you, my sweet heart.'
'No, you don’t love me. Even you don’t know how to love a woman .You asked for my body, and I happily agreed. Then why condom ?
'I wanted safty.'
'Safty! what safty ? You were worried about my pregnancy or transmitted diseases ? At least you should have asked me once before using a condom! You don't love me. You just wanted to satisfy your male ego, and you did it. Now I am going. Never try to meet me. Yes! My eyes will weep for you, but my soul will never forgive you.Good buy, Manthan!
'Prerna, Please!' he requested in a sinking voice.
'No, Manthan.Don't try to stop me. It is too late.' She told and went out.
Manthan was standing there surprised. He sat on the bed, taking his head in his both hands and looking to the used condom that had some spots of bloods, bloods of a woman soul.